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XanSketchPad

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I Think I Quit

2 min read
I have come to a very painful decision. My art... heh, if one could call it that... is not improving, not profitable, and unwanted. My art gets handed off to better artists to be done in their style. That's fine... but I just can not afford to keep wasting money on the supplies. This is a choice I should have made years ago, it just.. didn't feel right to give up my passion but it came to me today as my beloved wanted me to break down my art so his favorite artist could draw my characters. He meant it as a gift to me but I stupidly got mad about it. So... I quit art. And soon, I will quit writing. I have upset my boyfriend... but I fear he and I are about to break up because I will never be good enough for him or for anyone. I just can't keep going anymore. I really can't. Everything just hurts too much. If I never talk to you again, I love you. Even those of you that ignore me, I love you. You all did nothing wrong. It was me who was too weak and worthless. Be good to each other.... protect each other.
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OOC BURNT OUT

4 min read
(Major whiny post, please do disregard. I am keeping it up as to show what a bitch I am when I am feeling all butt hurt.)

May as well quit the island... the second person just messaged me and told me they were going to move on from my characters because I have been on hiatus due to being burnt out and stress. I told them I would be back, I just needed to sort my shit out, not good enough for them. Okay, let me break it down for everyone.

I am BURNT OUT. Anytime I get on, I either get hounded for attention then guilt-tripped if I am busy.... or I get out and out ignored. I am sorry. It burnt me out because I also had a shit ton of stress IRL. I don't mean, "Meh... just a little stressed." but... "If one more thing goes wrong, I will seriously swallow every pill in this fucking house and slit my wrists up to the elbow and then jump off a bridge." Yes. I am DEAD serious. Some of you have been understanding but too many have not been.

I am beyond pissed off that I can not appease you all, I want nothing more than to get online, spend time with you all and not feel like I am drowning in my damn problems. I HATE feeling like this. I love Improbable Island, but when I am suffering like this, I can not go on there or I will get myself banned. So, if you are going to move on from my characters, fine, safe journeys to you and your kin. If you give a damn and stay, then thank you.

(I am not going to quit, I am mostly just ranting and getting it out instead of letting it build and fester. Yes, I had a mental breakdown and went into hiding but doing so just made the problem worse. By hiding, it made it build and fester. People HAVE reached out to me, wanting to help me but due to how I was thinking and feeling, I was blind to it. Those that did leave, they were right to do so. I was being a petulant ass-hat and not listening. Am I ready to return to the island? Far from it but I do need to TRY. If I TRY but fail, then so be it. Better to try then fail than not try and fail automatically. I am a real mess but, I do not want to be like this.

Those that want time with Xan, you will get time when I am able to give it. She has many people she has to see, people that mean a lot to her or she loves. If you get butt-hurt and leave, well, you knew the risk... yeah, I will feel like shit but not so much that you left but that I made you feel like you were not worthwhile. Those that want to see Talla, she needs to get out and see others... I need to cultivate her REAL personality and I can't do that by keeping her in hiding. Those waiting to see Taeko, she too needs to cultivate her personality. Xander Vega.... I need to find his password again. Lady Envy lost her password too. Actually, several of my alts need to be remade but I am not in any rush unless I need them immediately and since only Xan, Talla, and Taeko get much attention, those are the ones I will be on the most. Please understand I do have a real life and I also have issues mentally that hinder me. Also, know that if I am having to be on two characters at the same time, I am likely to be slow at typing because it doesn't update right.)
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Just another year... no gifts yet but I have come to expect not getting any. I am just not important or liked enough. Hell, no one has wished me a Happy Birthday. I should be use to it but sometimes it hurts. Oh well... **gives self a hug** Happy Birthday, Xan.
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Sorry for cutting out, it began to rain after I got back from the loo. Where did I leave off.... oh yes, a great tragedy befell the world. There was a mad scientist who called himself Doctor Improbable who was working on a machine that would, I guess, shape and alter space and time. It was working just fine but it was never good enough for him. It eventually exploded and sent out a great EMP (electro magnetic pulse) that killed most electronics... except it. It was all explained to me but I couldn't understand half of it. The Improbable Drive warped everything, needless to say. None of this occurred in my time line... meaning I am from the past.  I still am not sure how I ended up here on the Island. Let me describe the Island. There are a few outposts here, each being home to a different race. NewHome is the base for most Humans... like me. Kittania is home for Kittymorphs, a race of half human, half cats. Robots call Cyber City 404 home. Squat Hole is where most Midgets gather... I would call them Little People except these are the most foul beings I ever encountered. New Pittsburgh is filled with Zombies, Pleasantville is nice... but the Mutants aren't as nice to look upon... not their fault. That brings us to the last place... a place I try to avoid... AceHigh, the headquarters of Jokers. Jokers may look like humans but they aren't.... oh once they were but fighting and trying to kill the Drive has warped them and drove most to a murderous madness. They dress in Victorian era clothes, speak proper English among other languages.... and are powerful. I watched one blow up a Titan just with a roll of his dice. Terrifying.

This island is also over-ran with monsters... the most fearsome are the Titans that rise from the seas to take out the Outposts. They are colossal fiends... there is no describing them. They are covered in stinging limpets and barnacles... and just HUGE! I nearly was stepping on one... just huge. I have to go for now, I have been invited to go on a Titan hunt... I am scared.

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I feel old. 30 years old and I feel like I am older. Why am I complaining? I am alive and that is all that matters. Today was no picnic though, I came to learn something... unsettling. I thought the Watcher had been jerking me around when she told me the cameras loved me and the people at home got a kick out of my insanity. Surely this place has to be an elaborate mind trip and due to the doctors screwing with my medicine.

That isn't the case... but for the sake of completion and less questions later, let me start at the beginning... I want to make sure I keep things straight because without my medicine, I know I will start to lose my mind... and memories.

My name is Mary Smith, but everyone calls me Alexandra or Xan for short... Long story and I won't go into it now. I was a housewife, been married since 2004 to the young man of my dreams. We had been high school sweethearts so I thought we would always be together. I haven't been well in a long time, delusional and... well... suicidal since age 5. At least I got my mental illness fairly, both of my parents are crazier than 2 fat rats in an outhouse and thinking it's the Buckingham Palace. They split when I was 5... a violent split and neither wanted me. Father didn't want me because I wasn't male, Mother because I was proof she had kids. I got the short end of the stick. I didn't have friends so I created them, normally imaginary friends go away when a kid grows up, not mine... they still are here and talking to me. Back to my twisted tale, I grew up... not the most loved kid but I survived enough. I will be honest, I am not intelligent or even a fairly good artist but art is my only passion outside of my husband. Most importantly, especially now, I was a survivor. I just could figure out how to endure in the face of trouble. I met my beloved and he took me into his life, knowing how damaged I was. He said he realized my mind was half gone was when I was in the kitchen, fighting an invisible assailant with a knife. That landed me in my first trip into the hospital. Doctors took a month of poking, prodding, and experimenting with chemicals to reach the conclusion there was little they could do for me. The drugs for one condition would aggravate another, the ones for that one yet another, and again just the same. I would list all the prognosis and diagnosis but this isn't a medical journal but a personal one. They released me back to my husband under the strictest orders that I be kept as stress free as possible... and away from people. I still heard and saw things that I know weren't there but I was able to handle them most of the time. Years passed and 2011, I was hit by another bad spell of severe hallucinations. It was so bad that I was waking, covered in cuts and bruises that I had no explanation for and I promise you, it wasn't my husband's doing. I was going back into another trance when my husband informed me he was taking me to the hospital. Last thing I remembered was staring out the car window, telling him I would get through this soon and be back to him.

I woke up on the Island... that is all it's known as, Improbable Island. Apparently it exists somewhere outside of the timeline I know... outside of the reality I know even. I was nude, dirty, and bruised... not a great way to wake up. I wasn't overly startled though, I was sure this was just a drug induced mind trip. I still had my glasses and wedding band so that part was odd, normally in my trips, I can see clearly and the ring... well I never had the ring. I went into the nearest town and everything was explained to me so fast that my mind couldn't grasp it outside that this world was a strange one. I saw the oddest people... humans who were as lost and naked as me, midgets with foul mouths and fouler tempers, kind hearts zombies, melodramatic mutants, curious robots, playful cat-people known as Kittymorphs, and the creepily amazing Jokers... and everything else in-between. I fought in the jungle, taking on odd monsters... like sentient toasters and my own tongue. I went to the museum and learned there had been a great disaster. I will continue in my next entry, I think Joe's coffee is coming back up on me.

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